im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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