I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize