you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize
