That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
