Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
