can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it glows. i had to have it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
