i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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