You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
