Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
