its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize