I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
