ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
