There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
a search helicopter?!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
