I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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