Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
