we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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