If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
