So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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