I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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