you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
