As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
