The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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