I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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