my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
