listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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