When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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