i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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