I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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