In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
