apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize