Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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