Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize