According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize