i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
