Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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