but the lizard people decide everything anyway
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize