So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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