Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
