I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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