After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
