Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
