I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize