Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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