I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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