My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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