we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
