After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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