Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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