my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
