So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize