After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
