I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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