maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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