God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
