dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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