I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
