im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
