It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
